The Australian Prime Minister has called for immigrants to be tested for knowledge of English, and to embrace Australian values more uniformly.

PM John Howard:

I am writing to support your call for immigrants to assimilate to the Australia that they find upon settlement here. I am, like you, outraged by these peoples’ lack of commitment to this responsibility.

How do you like your witchetty grubs? I love em raw, but on a Barbie they’re scrummy, too.

Which are your favorite Noonga languages?

Do you prefer throwing your spear with or without woomera? I have trouble with those, so will be impressed if you’re a deft hand in huntin game. Same goes for scroungin bush tucker. Goodonya! I mean, I thought you lived in a house and had real fancy cookin-blokes.

Oh, yeah, and goodonya for what you said about Greeks, too. I grew up among em and we rubbished em and some people still don’t like the way some of em gang up in men’s only smoking clubs and make their daughters miserable with picked hubbies, but at least a lot of em only speak Greek on the sly now.

But they still don’t speak Noonga like you. Let’s make them foreigners obey other aussie values, too, like venal consumerism, smug nationalism, condescension to little foreign people and locals with dark skins, cruelty to refugees, increasing idolatry of filthy lucre, capitulation to crass commercialization, obedience to our globalist masters, thoroughgoing deception in leadership and public office, and persistent ethnocentricism after 225 years’ of opportunities to learn from 50,000 years of civilization.

Jump up, whitefella.