To: Kim Beazley, Leader, Australian Labor Party
Re: The Tree of Knowledge

For goodness sake, Mr. Beazley, don't fall into the oldest pit in the paddock by whining on about how ghastly it is that a NATIONAL MONUMENT has been sabotaged and it's all such a terrible, terrible TRAGEDY... blah blah blah.

The tragedy is that the Labor Party now lacks any sense of drive and guts. Whining about a tree only adds to the Party's blooming image of hand-wringing sterility.

So, here's my suggestion: Say "The tree of our founding is dead; long live the tree and the shade of decency it symbolized; but, more importantly, long live a future where the people of Australia will wake up and realize that the Liberal Party of John Howard is rotten, corrupt, and geriatric to the roots. And then, the people of Australia may join us, starting today, in planting, cultivating, and harvesting a new growth of the humane, caring, and fighting Australian spirit that the Tree of Knowledge represented."

How about something like that? And please, please, get someone to show you how to be assertive, and to SPEAK WITH INFLECTION, rather than in your characteristic monotone. You may be a decent bloke, but the people want a leader with gumption.

Yours,